I love pictures. I love expressions. I love feelings. Emotions. Capturing and creating them. Watching them and experiencing them. Portraying them. So I decided against using models. Instead I am just gonna go with it.
What it?
– I’m not sure.
But it’s time to play and I already started.
I have started to follow my impulse to get in front of the camera when I am feeling very emotional. I wonder if I one day will manage to capture my own true anger even.
This morning being the second day of my period, naturally I felt like an old bag of something gross no matter what I wore or did to clean myself up. This feeling will linger til a new cycle starts. It will get me every month for a long time and I gotta learn to deal with it. To not stop my life when it happens. To be ok with my mind being a little negative. it. To not let it affect me. I realize that I am not my body. That I am not even mind – but in control of whats in between.
Still! I sit there, complaining about my cramps and swollen body that feels like something somebody pulled out of a well. “Ah fck this shit I am not going outside today.” Overwhelmed by the feeling of no matter how much I comb this hair, or how much make up I wear – Its not feeling any better.
I guess one could consider it being “stuck” in between rather than “in control” in between, but that depends completely, 100%, on how you choose to see it. Nobody can tell you how to consider yourself. But it’s your job to make the 2 stay together.
I wanted to portray the feeling.
“Clown to everyone but self” is a misleading title. Since it refers to a second idea to explain this picture with, that came up after it was finished. Drunk girl oblivious to how she’s perceived Arrogant and sure of her self, when everyone else is questioning. But she has no idea, since she never cares to look anybody in the eyes.