I am ready now

Tormented in stomache pains running up and down like snakes wriggling around just under my skin. My body was uncomfortable and I was cold. Anxious about how I have been mistreating myself lately. Drinking. Smoking… Smoking so much. The only thought I could find that would ease this off, make me feel like there is a solution, like I am not dying, like its not too late – was that of my friend Sid who showed up last night at 4Corners. All serene looking, bringing a peaceful presence. Something was different. He looked cleaner. Calmer… As if he no longer competed with anything. A bit more plump I’d even dare to say. Nothing really obvious but there was something.

Turned out there was a reason for that. Isha Krya.

Isha Krya is a meditation taught by Sadhguru. It is about realizing that within you, there are three living things. Three entities with their own ways, needs, desires. The breath being what connects them all. The body, the mind, and you.

Today is the second the first day on my period. This means, the day after it arrived. This day is the toughest, always. You’re tired. It hurts. You’re emotional and you are desperate for love, and beauty. Still I decided to watch this TEDx talk, Beyond Carnism, my new friend Li has told changed his life. Made him vegan.

Afterwards, after my tears and after having straightened up from all this shame I was feeling, I downloaded the Isha Foundation Meditation app, Isha Krya and started my practice. I am not this body. I am not even this mind. I am not this body. I am not even this mind.

I am the thing inbetween. The guardian of the 2 others. The parent making sure both are getting equal attention, equal satisfaction and TLC. That neither is deceiving the other. I am the decider. And I just cried. Tears were everywhere. I cried because I have done wrong. I have lived with shutters on my intellectual capacity. My compassion has been restrained. Not allowed to enter certain places, even though it has actually always been there. Peeking over the fence. Too afraid to enter. Because inside, it will be excruciating. Painful. Awful and much more crying.

We are eating others parents. We are eating other children. Others fetuses. When we don’t even have to.
We are keeping other individuals away from nature and their own way of living. When we don’t even need to.
We are abusing our power, and we are neglecting our power to change that.

I can no longer not be aware of how fucked up this is. I am going vegan.
And til further notice, for my meditation, I’m off alcohol and cigarettes.

But I will keep coffee.