This strapping young man is my husband back in 2008. The very summer of graduation. Here is helping me out to help my mother out with driving some shit to the graveyard of stuff. He is and always has been, a very capable person. Reads fast, problem solver. Systematic, logical, pretty reasonable guy. Emotional mess at points just like me, but doesn’t let that run his life. Like me…
For example, he doesn’t quit a job because the office is full of dicks. No sir-ee! He makes those dicks go away. Not as in, “take them to the back and shoot them in the head”, more like, has them fired. Whats remarkable to me, is that he is still there, at the same office that has drove him batshit crazy ay points. And oh boy, has it been bad. But he is still there. Because in his core, he believes he is right. In everything. And he is still waiting for the day that his bosses will truly see that, and pay for that. While I, as soon as I feel undervalued or not appreciated, I leave. As if my soul has been pissed on. Now, anybody can see that this is recipe for disaster and a lot of heartbreak. So naturally, I am working on it.
But I will never be like him. I am too sensitive to argue for my ideas being worth listening to, and then have others present them as their own a few weeks later. I’d be infuriated all the time. Maybe I’d even burn the thing down. I’d tell some people to go fuck themselves a long time ago. But he is a company man. Loyal to his boss, so he takes whatever shit is served by his colleagues. The perfect employee.
Maybe I would be thriving as a lady weaving carpets from home, looking after a bunch of kids and having my husband off somewhere. Maybe I’d make the most beautiful carpets of them all, and I’d be the fastest. The Queen of Carpets. I could live my life, love my family and not be bothered with anything else. Sounds perfect.
All systems created by man, are quite amazingly automatically rejected by me. Rejected as in, I don’t want to learn it. As in, it is not worth while. As in, I am sure this is not the best way for this thing to be done so there is no point. As if the car built for me doesn’t go as fast as I know a car will in 200 years, so I wont drive.
I even refused to learn my camera technically for 5 years, because I didn’t want to lose my artistic sense. Yeah man, dumb as hell. Instead I just messed around with it, not knowing what I was doing. Not understanding why everything is blue! Why there is so much white in the picture! Why its so fucking blurry or disgustingly yellow!.. Or the classic, why its all black. Still wouldn’t bother to just fucking look it up. Pick up a manual. Instead I would put down my camera.
So you can say it took me 10 years to learn how the thing works. The beautiful balance between ISO, Shutter and Aperture. The triangle. I am sure I will come up with a great Triangle Drama short story some day of the three. Nowadays, I am working on perfecting my manual focus. I wanna fiddle with that thing like a freaking king! Not having to check the image I wanna just know it is perfect, by looking at the numbers on top.
Now, I am not defending this “Do not learn anything”approach to life, because I know my life goes in the same pace as everybody else around me. That I am not stuck in some bubble where 10 years for you is 1 year for me, where I have enough time to just figure it out, or will be past the whole things relevancy quicker than others. It would make nothing but sense for me to adapt to the contemporary ways. Its just that… A lot of them suck. And they come from the wrong place! Imagine a mill being built by a child molester, wouldn’t you rather change your diet than use it?
Maybe that doesn’t really explain what I am saying, but what I am saying is that I don’t trust the general consensus of our time. I don’t believe in the hierarchy we have created. This specifics times way of doing things, is wrong. I don’t agree with the system I am stuck in, so I have been avoiding it. Feel sick to my stomach sometimes by the minds and souls of a lot of people. So narrow. So small. So locked. Watching them wasting themselves, still thinking they are doing the right thing. Like soldiers just following orders. Or wasting something else to gain something. It is horrible what kinds of decisions people make. Not just the bad examples, but even the socially accepted ones. Like putting yourself up on a 10 years loan, to buy a car. WTF?!!111 Why does anybody need a specific fucking car that bad?!It’s idiocy, and makes me wonder what the hell is wrong with people. What pressure is it that this one person can not escape? And who put it there?… Tadaa, hate this commercial gross circle jerk industry of STUFF. IMAGE. Sold to you, hand in hand with fear of missing out.
No matter where I go to work, study, network… I meet people stupid like this. Like there is no safe place from dumb asses. Having them around, stressed me out. Causes me anxiety, because they remind me of how the companies have won. How we as a species are a slave to consumption nowadays, even though it is not a real desire or need. But a contemporary temporary one. Screwing up us as beings, for someones else profit. It is horrible. And so sad. Because we could live so richly on nothing, if we wouldn’t be so scared to not fit in. Not impress.
It is like I am born way too early, or way too late. I have this weird feeling of not wanting to be here, because of how things are. How people are. How things are done. I am saddened and want no part of it. And also how people treat each other. How they talk to each other. It’s like wherever I go, I see unfairness. Stubbornness. Cruelty. Somebody trying to get something out of someone. Small things like cutting in line to and blocking somebodies way, to disgusting guys lying to pretty girl. This heartless reality is difficult for me to deal with. I don’t want to be there. But I cant escape.
I fail too sometimes. I am total dumbass like loads of people. I am inpatient, and get pissed off. Make snarky comments when in the mood. But when I look into myself, give myself the space and time to breath and think clearly – I feel shame over these things. Even the small ones. Like answering a questing with another question making people feel stupid. Why the fuck did I do that?! I am just tired, and rude, an annoyed sometimes, so I don’t think clearly. Start fights. But I know, I will never defend it afterwards. I fail all the time. And I am learning to kill the situation rather than escalate to keep my image in tact. To seem like I always do everything on purpose. To not lose face. Nowadays, instead I apologize immediately and allow myself to be the small one.
I cant stay inside because it brakes my heart to go outside watching people making the wrong decisions. Inside makes you insane after 3 days, I learned that from The Sims. Especially when my voice in this whole right and wrong debate is very small, since they look down on me, because I don’t work. Because I have not been to the university. Because I don’t have a plan for myself.
Honestly, this all of it is too overwhelming. The problems are too many in this world! Everything is burning! sinking! dying! Authorities has had too much time to make people stupid. Too many generations has passed feeding people the wrong ideas of what a human life is supposed to be. When will we ever steer this ship back? Back to a time where we appreciate, and remember, truly feel that we are not supposed to be this clean. This polished. Live so seeled off from other species and nature. That we belong outside. Together with all the others.
I should have been brought to a time where human has learned humility. Learned that simple mantra that If you are strong, you gotta be nice. Gotta be aware of how your strength can ruin something else with little or no force. A time where all this flexing of power is considered childish, by all nations towards everything. When a real man saves an animal, as if it was his child or wife, rather then ever inflicting pain or suffering upon to make an extra buck, have juicier meat or even worse, to prove his manhood. I understand animals gotta die, but I don’t understand why they gotta suffer. When all this nonsense about using oil and eating the last tuna fish is long gone. When we understand that we need to create harmony here. Put things back after we take. That Earth’s resources are kind of like a take a penny leave a penny deal.
I want to live on earth, during the time after all this killing of majestic animals. Where there are no cement cities anymore. Where we have trees in stead of shades made from petroleum keeping us from burning in the sun. When the presence of animals is enough to want to fight for them. Because they do something for us, by just being there. A time where shark fin soon has been looked down upon for 100 years. I want to be here, during the harmony. Imagine what an amazing place this would be. Forrest’s everywhere.No stretches in dry dusty cities without running water, or without trees. Clean water for everyone. Healthy wild animals everywhere. When all this bullshit the human species is doing now, is history. When moral is restored. Realizing, don’t we all actually… ? Dont we all wanna live in a better time? Suppose, this is the feeling that is supposed to create the fire within you. The LETS DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT fire. I don’t have it. Where would I even start?! Maybe this is when people go vegetarian. It is at least in the right direction, since most meats comes from horrible industries where the animals are treated like garbage form birth to death. I have stopped my shopping craze at least, so I am not adding to land fill and spend less time worried about what to wear. So that’s good.
But what actions to take, to actually and really DO something? Donate money? Nah, I wanna DO something. Plant trees or free birds from oil! Dive down to pick up garbage from the reef! Something awesome! Something hands on! Shit, I gotta figure this one out. I guess what I am saying in all of this, I really wish I was a time lord. That’s all.