Liten tanke om shopping disciplin.

Retro blommig panel gardin från Tradera

Tradera, Blocket, Hemnet och Market place är alla saker o ting som alldeles utmärkt går att överdosera på. Resultaten må inte vara hjärtstillestånd, men definitivt en skev uppfattning av verkligheten. Glass, träning, uppmärksamhet, adrenalin och till o med yoga är också vanor som kan börja lite kul och lättsamt men sluta i katastrof.

Många introduktioner av nya ting i livet kommer från entusiasm och hälsosam rationalitet. Så plötsligt har man tappat kontrollen och spenderar över sin budget eller äter mer glass än grönsaker.

Varför låter man inte bara bli?

Det hela blir ett slags liansvingande mellan prylar inuti en magiskt stor skog av hantverk och skräp. Skulle alla prylar till salu idag , gammalt som nytt, symbolisera en existerande gren på jorden, så skulle nog inte grenarna räcka till.

Så hur ska jag göra nu när jag tex söker en 160×60 cm rostfri diskbänk som säljes i närheten?

Kan verka lite fånigt, men är det en pryl till hushållet så är min nya princip att inte gå in i skogen själv. Har börjat räkna in på internet efter ting som en hushålls syssla precis som att åka och handla eller ta soporna. Att smyga in blocket/tradera/blahblah sökningar spontant blev utmattande i längden.

Personliga ting försöker jag också vara lite seriös runt. Inte lika lätt att vara spontan om man tex. undviker sökningar från telefonen.

Hej, jag är här nu!

Beijing är ett avslutat kapitel sedan November 2018. Det tog ca 6 månader att landa mentalt i nya existensen där jag inte är längre kände att jag hela tiden var påväg nånstans. I den nya vardagen kunde jag sitta på mitt arsle dag in och dag ut, utan den där känslan av att “snart kommer någon/snart händer något / undra om..??”

Nu fanns det ingen ingen någon som skulle kunna poppa upp när som helst o behöva något slags dokument, intyg, uppvisning av pass, kontrakt eller certifikat. Hotet om att bli vräkt för att vi hyrde illegalt var över.

Det var lite överväldigande faktiskt och fullkomligt absurt, att plötsligt vara fri från yttre stress. Plötsligt så fri. Insåg med tiden hur tight jag hade blivit i kroppen. Man fattar inte alltid hur högt upp i halsen man tryckt sina axlar förrän man andas ut ordentligt. Ibland vaknade jag mitt i natten från mardrömmar där jag upprepade mantrat för mig själv “Bara ett flyg kvar, bara ett flyg kvar”. Stressen av att planera hemflytten hade suttit i så länge, att det tog lång tid att komma ur den. Den satt så fysiskt. I den återkommande mardrömmen återspelades olika varianter av sista dagarna i Beijing. Oron av att behöva flyga 9 timmar med en hund vars ras inte är tillåten flyga mer än 6.5. Oron över att allt jag skickar hem därifrån försvinner. Sorgen att skiljas från våran ayi.

I Sverige fick jag svindel första halvåret av att föreställa mig vara i Beijing igen. Det var så många bollar i luften sista tiden. Mådde illa av tanken att åka tillbaka. Nu börjar jag faktiskt längta dit lite igen. Det var så mycket som kunde gå fel då. Så mycket man bara ville kunna sluta tänka på. Utmattad av hundra olika “tänk om x händer?” scenarier.

I juni flög vi dem två hundarna för att få det största momentet i hemflytten avklarat. Dem var törstiga men fullt i liv när vi kom fram. Huset hade vi, men sov bara två nätter. Kändes mer som en semester i något hyrt än vårat eget. Tre månader senare hade vi löst allt annat och kom efter. Med 15 dagar kvar till min mans 30 års dag sov vi första natten utan måsten på att någonstans. Det var helt otroligt. Huset saknade ovettiga sängar, var konstigt tomt och luktade gammal stuga, men kändes så himla tryggt. Kartonger och påsar med våra ägodelar från Kina och från vårat liv tillsammans innan Kina prydde golvet i ett av rummen. Nu var vi där, i ett hus som är vårt. Ett hus som ingen nånsin kan slänger ut oss ifrån. Ett fantastiskt torpigt sekelskiftes hus i trä. Naturligt ventilerat, snett och underbart. Det är som en rymlig stuga med många skarvar och otippade höjdskillnader. Övervåningen har alldeles för lågt till tag. Men VI VAR ÄNTLIGEN HEMMA!!!

Inga fler väskor eller kartonger att packa. Inga fler lägenhetsbyten eller flygplan. Aldrig nånsin tänker jag sätta mig på ett flygplan igen. Dem dagarna är över. Att gunga in i Svenska rytmen och få in tillräckligt med köttbullar o lingonsås i munnen tog ungefär ett halv år. Men sen var både kropp o själ i ro nog att fullt kunna konceptualisera att vi verkligen var hemma igen. Mardrömmarna och svindeln var över. Nu var vi här, på riktigt.

SOMMAR 2020

Dagens läge är rätt najs faktiskt. Hundarna stormtrivs, men känner sig väl lite utkonkurrerade nu när familjen fått ett tillskott. En liten super söt dotter på 5 månader förgyller vardagen numera. Oj vad hon växer! Och fyfan vad gullig hon är.

Jag håller på att lära mig sy och måla med oljefärg, samtidigt som jag börjar ta produkt och fashion bilder hemma uppe i det tänkta sovrummet med det alldeles för låga taket. Joakim drar fram vad som finns under all kvickrot i trädgården och skapar linjer ute i kaoset. Inomhus bubblar hans viner och fermenteringar. Huset doftar av fläder!!

Det blir bra det här.

Tja!

Zero Waste seminar with Bea Johnson

At my one and only Pop Up Photo Studio I met Carrie, the founder of The Bulk House. This was a Rumble in the Jumble event hosted at Modernista on Bao Chao Hutong. They do it every month so just look it up! Selling original vintage goods, new handmade soaps, jewelry, second hand clothes.. A bunch of great stuff there.

Since she was the girlfriend of Joe the bassist in Disaster Chat, a band I interviewed for an article that I never wrote a few years ago, I paid extra attention to her table. Maybe otherwise I would have just walked by since I was tired and just wanted out for a smoke. But thank god I did not, because this gyal produces stuff that can replace hundreds of single use ones. She is so young but still have full understanding of what Ghandi meant by being the change we wish to see. High five! We can not just tell people what to stop doing without offering any alternatives.

5.5 years ago I bought a bag of 100 thick plastic straws and am still reusing the last 2 that I have left. Year by yhear I used fewer and fewer. Glad to have something to replace them with whence their done. Stainless steel ones from The Bulk House! Wohoo!

I offered to support her by giving her product pictures for free, but she exchanged that for a free coverage of the Zero Waste event she flew in Bea Johnson for. Even better!

Zero Waste seminar 2017, December 21.
At DayDayUp, a coworking space in Soho C, Sanlitun, Beijing.

 

 

 

I’M WITH GILBERT


As she says in the book, once an artist has sent the work to the audience, it no longer belongs to the artist. Allowing for it to be misinterpreted completely. The impression of everything is personal. Artists creating has no business controlling the message it is sending. They just need to keep it honest to themselves, and then see what it does. Maybe everything, maybe nothing. And it doesn’t matter, it is never the point of beginning! So maybe, I have misread the whole thing. Maybe I am supporting a version of her that I have made up. But if I am at least getting something right, it is that she’d be ok with that.

No need to be the greatest reader of books to tell this one apart from the others. That the contents of this piece of literature are important to history. It is officially putting it to paper, that we aint buying all this shit anymore. What matters is the work we do, not what we look like doing it. What matter is that we do what wants to be done from within, not what wants to be done from within us by others. Creative outburst are so personal, so cathartic, and this book is pointing out the fact that us listening to others and worrying about results, has been killing the joy to create for way too fucking long. Teaching how to stop wasting time on shit that don’t matter, like fear. Nothing is as wasteful of precious time as incapable of acting and producing from withing, because of fear. And worry. And pressure. No matter where they comes from, they are totally and absolutely useless feelings. Just like Women Who Run With The Wolves was, and is, important to women whose souls needs defibrillating, Big Magic is important them who are paralyzed by fear.

It hit me at the end of chapter “Choose what to trust”, that what I was holding in my has was to make history. What these pages means to the reader, and changes within its reader is big and magical. Too big and too magical for this book to ever be just a book. It it not profound, it is just clear. It is obvious, but still so new. It is popping that socially accepted bubble built on absurd ideas about what it is to be creative; more importantly what it should and could be. Simply comforting you with this thought, it’s ok to enjoy decorating your existence without the pressure of the results impact on others.

As a mind inside of a body inside of time, you are a part of this endless, beautiful amazing cycle of human beings living on planet earth, making things. Congratulations, it is awesome. Burdening yourself with ideas, concepts and truths that are bound to time such as contemporary norms of what is and what is not ok, is not necessary. All of those are equally invented as time is itself. Time is not time as we know it, time is actually process. We have noticed patterns within this process and timed it by counting, to make our existence easier, to be able to keep up with the pattern, but time does not exist. It is our way of dealing with the other thing that does exist, that we don’t understand. Yet.

Everything just is. And everything is part of a huge process beyond what we can even imagine. One so big, not even Sci Fi writers can imagine.

Things attached to your very short time of roughly 100 years weighing you down, fuck them. 100 years is nothing. But people are passionate, so a lot of “truths” will be around you, but they are invented. Nobody really knows anything. We just believe, study and draw conclusions, do tests. But trying to explain the universe, what is actually right, what is actually wrong, is useless. Religions should be popping up everywhere, since people will never stop wondering what we are doing here. We will always keep questioning ourselves and what we know. Maybe you not personally, because you are very set in your ways and you have been taught what is right and what is wrong, but others within you if you consider human as one entity, will. And should. Religions are trying to answer the questions each human being born and alive to adulthood are asking.. Explain what we are feeling. And explain why we are longing to feel certain things. To experience certain things.. Those things that are inevitable to long for in each of us. In the animals too. Why despair and desperation usually is the outcome after a while when we dont, and turn us evil, violent. Why we hurt people after a certain point of “enough is enough”. Something we never would consider, if we just had a f ew things working for us.. Like food on the table. A roof over our head. A safe place to sleep. A certainty within us, that our loved once are full and safe. Even stimulated and joyful. But nobody knows. Everybody believes. Everybody has theories. And people are still working on them. That is the job of us people.

Everything, just is. What is specific to your time and town, will not be the same anymore if you had been born 200 years earlier or later. So get too hung up on it?
yes now you are supposed to be typing on a blue laptop because the cool kids does it. But isn’t it more important to the universes, that you just type? Universe dont give a shit about what laptop you are using. For the longest time, universe was satisfied with you creating boards of clay to write on. Just do the work.

Because human creativity is built in since the beginning of us, and it applies to everything. We have always made things. Wanted to express ideas, feelings, potential good systems to tap in to. We have always made up things to answer other things. I other words, created something, to explain something else. All creation comes from unanswered questions, or the urge to tell or show something. We will always. This is our job.

Elizabeth”s language lays out a perspective that is difficult to defend as a nobody. One that will be mocked and shot down before it’s even completely out, especially without evidence which in this case is’nt all that easy to collect. Like many things in the creative world, things cant really be measured. Harmony, joy, and peace within peoples hearts and bodies is’nt measurable, it is felt. It is experienced. The powerful beauty of yogic movements can never be explained, it needs to be worked on until reached – then you just know. It’s like you cant really explain what an orgasm is to someone, because it is so deep within you, and different but yet the same for everyone. It needs to be worked on until reached, then you just know. A lot of things are a process like that. You feel like you are not working on anything, until all of a sudden you look around and everything feels different. You’ve reached the next level of something you cant explain or measure. Just feel.

Through history we have learned that it doesn’t matter if you are right, if most of the people around don’t agree. It doesn’t matter if they are too uneducated or too shallow to understand a certain concept, or if theses ideas have been blocked by some other “truth” provided by holy authority. Going up against what people believe is hard and quite dangerous, risky, because people are stubborn when they think they know. This stubbornness is always beautiful, because what they are feeling is euphoria. It’s only a tragedy when it turns to violence because there is a strange need to have people agree with them. Especially when they believe to have the correct moral on their side, still using violents to make people listen to them. When concepts has been sewn into peoples bones, wether its politics, religion or how to set the dinner table – no damn hippie can come and change that, with just a perspective. Especially if you’re young. In a way, as soon as you think you know, it is too late. Your universe is closing. Your perspective and you possibilities are shrinking, like stuck in a room with walls moving in on you. Stubbornness is not your friend. Arrogance of wisdom in philosophy isn’t either.

Older generations will always complain about the younger, just like they have always done. It is not a new thing that the 60 year olds are saying “It was better before”. Because they have lived through those years and think they know. They watch us do things, and remember these feelings. They see us doing something that is not what they did or wished they did, so to them, it is wrong, unless what they learned from their ways was that there should be a better one. However, their feelings are ok. Understandable even. It comes from a good place, like when you’re watching a girl in a horror movie walking out to the black forest and you automatically, loudly go “Dont go there!!” But time changes, and what was right then, is not necessarily today, so keep making your own mistakes with an open heart. It might be too late now to do the other way he she wished he had done, because nothing is the same anymore. The process we are in moves to swiftly.

Elizabeth might be considered just a damn hippie to some people, maybe… But compared to her, I for sure am the damn hippie and she the super serious, hard working, established writer with an impressive intellect. So I can share my point of view on things, have people tell me I’m fucking crazy and then I can quote her. Make people go “Oh, really? That’s interesting”. Boom! Sanna aint crazy no more.

So, truly Liz, thank you. I’m so glad someone is pointing out, how fucked up it is that we still romanticize the tormented artist. As if life is’nt supposed to be amazing. As if they are’nt just wasting their talents. As if the earth doesn’t love us back.

Why I believe this book to be so important, is because I believe the purpose of people is harmony.

We are capable to rise above animal instincts. Rise above pissing territory and tearing limbs off, because we can establish authority without violence, if we just want to. We’re above eating each others children, at least in our own species. We do not always act this civilized just be cus we can though, and we still do a lot of things that we can rise above, like war for money, war for land, rape, abuse and torture on our own species and others, killing our oceans for profit, but this is because we as a species we are just an infant. We don’t know shit. We are at a stage now where we are too excited to think about the long run. To even understand what the hell it is our actions truly mean.

We cant start saying that human is evil. Imagine human as one big thing spread our over this globe, and look into the hearts of all individuals. How many emotions are happening right now? How many moments of truth are happening now? Realizations? Jumps of joy, finished projects, birthed babies, finished meals and burnt down houses? A lot.. a lot, a lot a lot. And everything matters. Not just what the freaking news papers and TV’s are telling you. But everything. Especially what they are not telling you. You are a part of this big thing. This human way of living, loving and leaving. Allow yourself and others to make mistakes. Believe that they arent the final words. The finals actions. All that needs to be done, is to get some perspective. Then work it out.

Even if we were to abandon everything that we have going on. Each single project that we have started and collectively disappear. Mother earth would be fine. But saddened, because with our physical potential and our minds, we can set order and harmony to this place. Help all other species survive. If big stones has fallen from the mountain, landed in the forest and is now dividing a family, we can fix that. Because we are creative. A big stone for us is just a big stone, for another species it is a mountain.

We learn all about resources and how to suck out the most from the earths inner core and outer beauty, but not how to suck at the most of our minds. All the beauty and heartwarming joy we could all be enjoying is being wasted. It is being kept down, because we are so focused on all these new cool things instead. All we really need is some fire, some food, some melodies and something cozy to sit on – and are bodies and minds are at peace. A group to belong to and be taught things by as young, then eventually start our own where we teach, is ideal. Company. A sense of belonging. But we make it more difficult than that. We produce all these things, create all these concepts, and then we jump into that doomed to forever be stressed out and feeling shit wheel. We have empathy and we have creativity at a mind blowing level, that animals don’t. But we ain’t using it, even thought they are. They are pulling out as much joy from their minds that they possibly can. Enjoy small things like laying in the sun til you’re really hot, then lay in in the shade til you’ve cooled down. Enjoying the sensations within their bodies. Enjoying to feel the cells in their bodies. Guess why they like being petted? Because they absolutely, one hundred percent live within their bodies. Could you say the same? Do you really live within your body? Or are you barely giving it any thought? Animals love and respect their own to such levels it is impossible to not believe they are as conscious as we are about themselves, and their families, the life and death cycle and even us. Dolphins start circling surfers in the water, to warn a 3 meter long shark is coming. They understand fully, what pain and loss is. These are not human created concepts. These are not ideas bound to time. Animals are not here for our amusement, they even came first. And this, is why I believe the whole idea of people being created to resemble god, even exists. Because we have the ability to understand beyond these primitive things, and do something about them. We can see the whole picture, not just what is directly around in front of us. We can go anywhere. We don’t need to choose anything, we can do it all. Nobody else can do that.

Oh how the gods are looking at us people like parents at their babies, just learning to crawl. Taking their firsts steps. Putting everything in their mouth. Slowly noticing how we foolishly are throwing sand in each others eyes when we don’t agree with each other. Taking each others toys. In a few years they know, we will calm down. We will see that we never needed that toy anyway. That we are already sitting on satisfaction, through simple meditation. But we are adults in 2017 allowing companies run by people who dont understand the simple beauty of existence, to destroy our planet and the habitats for other species in it, to satisfy created needs specific to this time our bodies are stuck in. Even though our bodies are the same as always. We actually only need the same things as always. Same as all other species. Love. Health. Freedom to live out joyful impulses.

But 2017 is just now.. It wont be like this forever. We will rise above this periods of wasted potential as well.

The gods know we will get there. But they are watching us go through those aggressive years as a 4 years olds does. When we are just starting to see how powerful we are. This is not really a surprise to them, but the concept of money blew things out of proportion in a way they had’nt expected. This was never something they saw coming. They are probably hoping we will rid this system completely at some point. So that we can stop this separation from each other. Stop this mad validation of our existence. This insane created measure. Our existence will never reach a definition of done. So there is no such thing as a wasted life, actually. Because each is teaching something to them around. It is all a part of the process. As Elizabeth is saying in Big Magic, frustration is part of the work. All this killing is their frustration to suffer through. They cant just put us here as educated adults, we have to educate ourselves and figure out how this universe works. Like a big problem solving game. Try everything on everything. Eventually we will come to conclusions. Eventually we will see how stupid it was to try open the wooden door with the metal key, even though it made perfect sense at some point. Seems like a perfect fit. Except it wasn’t, because we did know there were 2 doors, and 2 keys.

What will this world look like in 200 years if the last Tormented Artist is truly dying? What will the culture be like in 200 years, when we will all create from joy rather than trying to proving ourselves to contemporary ideas and ideals? Living with the notion of contemporary being temporary, so automatically unimportant Elizabeth, is honoring that. Maybe blissfully unaware of it. But the gods are giving her a golden star, because she is sending out ideas that will bring this world closer to what they are waiting for. I can feel the shift. Harmony is coming.

“Love means you never have to say you’re sorry”

You can’t tell by watching yourself in the mirror that your mind and body is growing, but you can tell that you have grown when finding yourself in a situation you’ve been in before. But you’re dealing with it differently. You’re looking at it differently. Whether it be a physical space like your childhood home, or an argument with your loved one.

Now, about the titling quote “Love means you never have to say you’re sorry”, what kind of douche bag came up with that? Probably someone who feels they’re not doing anything right. Someone tired of apologizing. Someone so ashamed of their actions that they consider themselves entitled to an emotional sanitizing, as if their emotions were loans needing to be wiped away because they racked up too much shit to deal with.

Instead of admitting these mindless actions and deal with the emotions of regret, the whole job is being dumped on the person you’ve failed to begin with. Giving that person more work to do, since now he she needs to just understand, and forgive. Meaning, you are still taking from this person. 

You’re not actually doing anything at all to become a better person. Just asking people to love you anyway. And probably you are not even asking, but expecting them to.

Now that’s a terrible thing to do… Honestly man, you’re being a real turd. Basically, what you are doing is removing the stones in your own heart and putting them in your loved ones. But when it comes to true love, it should be the other way around.

You are assuming it is your right to get understanding. To get respect. To be forgiven. This reasoning is faulty, because none of these things are for the taking. All of it shall be deserved. Given to you. Now it doesn’t work like that. Forgiveness is a gift, even Jesus said that.

You being released from your inner agony is not your right, because you have caged yourself. Only you can let yourself go. Any kind of release is worked for, it never just appears. The cage isn’t a pshycial space, but a feeling that has consumed you after a certain thought. Emotions follow thought. So, what was that thought? What was that awful thing you did? Admit it to yourself. Feel how you feel. But whatever you do, don’t budge. Dont flee. Never let fear or regret make you run from your self. Running in panic will make you lose your path.

Sit strong with your emotions. Accept them. Make your fear your lesser enemy; not some powerful thing to be afraid of. By allowing shame to eat you up to the point you cant even deal with this mess you’ve created, this other person would be doing all the inner work for you. Stop making it his her job to make you feel better when you are disappointed with yourself. When it was never them who fucked up to begin with. You did. That’s why you are the one feeling shame and not them. So why would you wanna make somebody else work harder, when the job is yours to do?

Admit instead how you have this awful feeling in your stomach, that makes you wanna puke, to the person you’ve wronged. That these memories keeps you up at night. That no hot water bottle is making your heart feel any less stressed out or comforted. That you don’t know what to do. He she needs to feel in their heart that they know you are not fooling them, that you are not just saying things that ought to make them feel better. If they cant feel you are genuine, they wont forgive you. And shouldn’t either. Forgiveness is an ease of tension, so trust is necessary. Its not about someone being stubborn or easy going, its physically impossible to forgive someone you don’t believe. To forgive is physical event. That’s why we sometimes have to beg. Because we fucked up somebodies trust so bad, that their inner monologue don’t know if we are worthy of it anymore. That’s the voice we gotta reach.

In a situation where you feel like a giant turd, you’ll release yourself from that awful space by giving. Expecting more just adds to your dept, since the shame most likely comes from selfish behavior in the past. To run from shame is in fact something one should be ashamed of.

Reaching a point where you feel like you don’t deserve anything that’s given to you, is not that great. But in the end, it will make you a better person than if you’d reach a point in the opposite direction. It makes you see how much you have to be grateful for. How lucky you are. Life is all about perspective.

Nihal doesn’t know at all who I am, but the two of us are in a strong agreement. Sit with your emotions. Let them wash over you. Let it all come to you, but don’t let it consume you. Watch them as separate things from you. Its part of the process of understanding oneself.  A part of figuring out who the hell you are. Its a part of love.

If you never question yourself and just go about life making regret and shame something you never experience, you are not perfect, you are just lying to yourself.

Feeling ignorant? Nihal will help you with that.

 

I’m so tired

I’m so tired, of being, the only head
resting, on a pillow, in my bed.
And I’m so tired of eating alone,
I’ve got no one to talk to on the phone

Where are you who will hold my hand?
Hug me, tell me, that you understand?
Where are you who’ll keeo me comapny?
Lay with me, be my family.. ey.
Take care of me when my stomache hurts
tell me the bitch I hate, that she is the worst

Now Im ready for you
Ive made space for you
Im waiting for you
Im waiting for you
Now Imr eady for you
Ive made space for you
Im looking for you
Im looking for you

Cus Im longing for
firty laundry on the floor.
Someone ont he loo, not closing the door.
Disgusting hari on mjy sopa in the shower.
Then he’s making love to me in my bed for hours.

Now Im ready for you
Ive made space for you
Im waiting for you
Im waiting for you
Now Imr eady for you
Ive made space for you
Im looking for you
Im looking for you