Brushing up

Fernando and Cecilia, shot for her graduation 2016.


Just like everybody else, I am trying to find a path in life that keeps me content, fulfilled and occasionally excited. A lot of you might have already found the path; or settled for another. In my search I go with my gut feeling, a bit too much sometimes, but it is my compass in everything I do.

Today started at 6 o lock for me, with a cup of tea on my meditation cushion. Woke up in the middle of the night, but felt quite excited about the new week. When sitting on my cushion, Rabbit came to say hello and I appreciated the softness of his fur. His ears were cold, so I kept them between my hands for a minute. To others it is insanitary and not worth it at all, having a hare living in an open cage indoors. These people miss out on the best parts of having a pet; seeing their characters play out. Rabbit the Hare basks in one the patches of sunlight on the floor everyday, just like our old Pekinese dog Jing Jing. I wish Jing Jing wouldn’t be so grumpy towards Rabbit when he comes close. When Rabbit feels 100% safe, he does a little pirouette up in the air and lands with his back brushed up against the wall. Then he lays there with his eyes closed for a minute, almost like his is smiling. The cutest thing ever.

On my cushion I was meditating over yesterday. Yesterday was a big day for me. A forgotten goal of mine had been reached, and I realized I am not immortal. Like you and your best friend, I will too grow old and sick. The three of us will, just like everybody else. Since it is that time of the month for me, I spend more time and thought than normally, on Buddhist teachings. The story of Siddhartha, how Buddha came to be, is one of may favorites stories. Makes me feel like nothing is too late. That everything is possible. Because you see, Siddhartha did not know anything about the outside world until he was 29. His whole life had been a cushioned upbringing with each desire fulfilled. Siddhartha knew nothing about growing old, becoming sick or dying. One day he left his castle and learned, that there is poverty. He went out for a few more excursions by himself, then he left for a bigger one with a much bigger purpose. Siddhartha needed to find a solution to suffering. Before he left, he took a moment to just watch his sleeping wife and child. Thinking of how he would miss them, and how he wanted to hold them and say goodbye. But this would only hurt more, and make the departing even harder, so he just left in the quite night.

Before he even left for his journey he had learned something valuable. His, and their suffering would grow, if he would to give in to the desire of holding his child and wife before departing. Instead he decided to leave them in peace. 

Yes, one can argue that he is a total dick for leaving in the middle of the night and not telling anyone where the hell he is going. Especially as a husband and father to an infant. But after learning how he has been living in a bubble for almost 30 years he felt a very strong desire, a need to learn. Learn the truth. And learn to deal with all the pain he is now holding within. In this place, where his father is around and his wife, he cant show how he is suffering. So to head out for a solution, I do think is very wise and brave of him.

We most realize that everything around us is already lost, already broken. Only then can we truly appreciate what we have now, for what they are. It is about having a deep understanding acceptance for the fact that nothing lasts forever. Sickness, old age and dying are all parts of life. Part of being a human. How to deal with it? He spent 6 years searching, living as a beggar. Starving himself, spending most of his time meditating, but also talking to different spiritual gurus. None of them had a solution to suffering, they all were talking about life after death instead and how exactly to lead ones life. Those strict ideas about things one cant really know for sure, made no sense to Siddhartha. He kept living on as little as possible, drank his own urine at one point when pushing things to the extreme.  Basically he was punishing his body, hoping for it to teach him some profound understanding about life. What he learned after 6 days under the bodi tree. was that living this way gives all your attention to the body. If your body is suffering, you can not think of nothing else. To be healthy is key.

The goal I mentioned, was weight gain. When I standing up straight, my inner thighs touches. This has never happened before. Through out the whole day, I could feel them brushing up against each other with each step when I was walking. Is this is normal? Am I walking correctly? Other gals might have experienced this since their teens, and for them this is nothing to be even thinking of for a second. But for me, who has been thin to the point of ridicule my whole life, this is quite amazing. Even my high waist jeans sits now, without me needing to pull them up all the time. My bum and thighs just holds them in place! This means, my body is changing. This means, I am eating properly! This mean, I am finally taking care of myself! Which is about time now that I’ll be 28 within weeks. How grand, to have some curves. I have always wondered what that would be like.

I am writing about this because I believe it is a nice change for the internet, to have some positive thoughts on weight gain, rather than loss.

My body will grow beyond what I am gonna like and this is life. It is already broken. It is already lost. By knowing that, I can appreciate this moment. This moment where I am feeling a little plump and girlishly lady like. Loving it.

Not just appreciating how comfortable I am in my brand new healthy body, but when looking around. The small things that makes my existence unique from everyone elses. The things around me that only I could make happen, even though they are nothing to others. Just sitting here in my husbands chair, with a cup of tea that has gone cold. A hare snuggling under my feet and the sun slowly lighting and warming up our hutong. Upstairs my husband is sleeping, and his back is getting better. Soon I will wake him up with a cup of coffee, like I have done since always. I’ll pour one for myself as well and go sit in my morning chair with the latest issue of Vogue. This sense of being safe, loved, and having something to hot to drink when it is cold outside. That’s all I need.