Liten tanke om shopping disciplin.

Retro blommig panel gardin från Tradera

Tradera, Blocket, Hemnet och Market place är alla saker o ting som alldeles utmärkt går att överdosera på. Resultaten må inte vara hjärtstillestånd, men definitivt en skev uppfattning av verkligheten. Glass, träning, uppmärksamhet, adrenalin och till o med yoga är också vanor som kan börja lite kul och lättsamt men sluta i katastrof.

Många introduktioner av nya ting i livet kommer från entusiasm och hälsosam rationalitet. Så plötsligt har man tappat kontrollen och spenderar över sin budget eller äter mer glass än grönsaker.

Varför låter man inte bara bli?

Det hela blir ett slags liansvingande mellan prylar inuti en magiskt stor skog av hantverk och skräp. Skulle alla prylar till salu idag , gammalt som nytt, symbolisera en existerande gren på jorden, så skulle nog inte grenarna räcka till.

Så hur ska jag göra nu när jag tex söker en 160×60 cm rostfri diskbänk som säljes i närheten?

Kan verka lite fånigt, men är det en pryl till hushållet så är min nya princip att inte gå in i skogen själv. Har börjat räkna in på internet efter ting som en hushålls syssla precis som att åka och handla eller ta soporna. Att smyga in blocket/tradera/blahblah sökningar spontant blev utmattande i längden.

Personliga ting försöker jag också vara lite seriös runt. Inte lika lätt att vara spontan om man tex. undviker sökningar från telefonen.

Hej, jag är här nu!

Beijing är ett avslutat kapitel sedan November 2018. Det tog ca 6 månader att landa mentalt i nya existensen där jag inte är längre kände att jag hela tiden var påväg nånstans. I den nya vardagen kunde jag sitta på mitt arsle dag in och dag ut, utan den där känslan av att “snart kommer någon/snart händer något / undra om..??”

Nu fanns det ingen ingen någon som skulle kunna poppa upp när som helst o behöva något slags dokument, intyg, uppvisning av pass, kontrakt eller certifikat. Hotet om att bli vräkt för att vi hyrde illegalt var över.

Det var lite överväldigande faktiskt och fullkomligt absurt, att plötsligt vara fri från yttre stress. Plötsligt så fri. Insåg med tiden hur tight jag hade blivit i kroppen. Man fattar inte alltid hur högt upp i halsen man tryckt sina axlar förrän man andas ut ordentligt. Ibland vaknade jag mitt i natten från mardrömmar där jag upprepade mantrat för mig själv “Bara ett flyg kvar, bara ett flyg kvar”. Stressen av att planera hemflytten hade suttit i så länge, att det tog lång tid att komma ur den. Den satt så fysiskt. I den återkommande mardrömmen återspelades olika varianter av sista dagarna i Beijing. Oron av att behöva flyga 9 timmar med en hund vars ras inte är tillåten flyga mer än 6.5. Oron över att allt jag skickar hem därifrån försvinner. Sorgen att skiljas från våran ayi.

I Sverige fick jag svindel första halvåret av att föreställa mig vara i Beijing igen. Det var så många bollar i luften sista tiden. Mådde illa av tanken att åka tillbaka. Nu börjar jag faktiskt längta dit lite igen. Det var så mycket som kunde gå fel då. Så mycket man bara ville kunna sluta tänka på. Utmattad av hundra olika “tänk om x händer?” scenarier.

I juni flög vi dem två hundarna för att få det största momentet i hemflytten avklarat. Dem var törstiga men fullt i liv när vi kom fram. Huset hade vi, men sov bara två nätter. Kändes mer som en semester i något hyrt än vårat eget. Tre månader senare hade vi löst allt annat och kom efter. Med 15 dagar kvar till min mans 30 års dag sov vi första natten utan måsten på att någonstans. Det var helt otroligt. Huset saknade ovettiga sängar, var konstigt tomt och luktade gammal stuga, men kändes så himla tryggt. Kartonger och påsar med våra ägodelar från Kina och från vårat liv tillsammans innan Kina prydde golvet i ett av rummen. Nu var vi där, i ett hus som är vårt. Ett hus som ingen nånsin kan slänger ut oss ifrån. Ett fantastiskt torpigt sekelskiftes hus i trä. Naturligt ventilerat, snett och underbart. Det är som en rymlig stuga med många skarvar och otippade höjdskillnader. Övervåningen har alldeles för lågt till tag. Men VI VAR ÄNTLIGEN HEMMA!!!

Inga fler väskor eller kartonger att packa. Inga fler lägenhetsbyten eller flygplan. Aldrig nånsin tänker jag sätta mig på ett flygplan igen. Dem dagarna är över. Att gunga in i Svenska rytmen och få in tillräckligt med köttbullar o lingonsås i munnen tog ungefär ett halv år. Men sen var både kropp o själ i ro nog att fullt kunna konceptualisera att vi verkligen var hemma igen. Mardrömmarna och svindeln var över. Nu var vi här, på riktigt.

SOMMAR 2020

Dagens läge är rätt najs faktiskt. Hundarna stormtrivs, men känner sig väl lite utkonkurrerade nu när familjen fått ett tillskott. En liten super söt dotter på 5 månader förgyller vardagen numera. Oj vad hon växer! Och fyfan vad gullig hon är.

Jag håller på att lära mig sy och måla med oljefärg, samtidigt som jag börjar ta produkt och fashion bilder hemma uppe i det tänkta sovrummet med det alldeles för låga taket. Joakim drar fram vad som finns under all kvickrot i trädgården och skapar linjer ute i kaoset. Inomhus bubblar hans viner och fermenteringar. Huset doftar av fläder!!

Det blir bra det här.

Tja!

Zero Waste seminar with Bea Johnson

At my one and only Pop Up Photo Studio I met Carrie, the founder of The Bulk House. This was a Rumble in the Jumble event hosted at Modernista on Bao Chao Hutong. They do it every month so just look it up! Selling original vintage goods, new handmade soaps, jewelry, second hand clothes.. A bunch of great stuff there.

Since she was the girlfriend of Joe the bassist in Disaster Chat, a band I interviewed for an article that I never wrote a few years ago, I paid extra attention to her table. Maybe otherwise I would have just walked by since I was tired and just wanted out for a smoke. But thank god I did not, because this gyal produces stuff that can replace hundreds of single use ones. She is so young but still have full understanding of what Ghandi meant by being the change we wish to see. High five! We can not just tell people what to stop doing without offering any alternatives.

5.5 years ago I bought a bag of 100 thick plastic straws and am still reusing the last 2 that I have left. Year by yhear I used fewer and fewer. Glad to have something to replace them with whence their done. Stainless steel ones from The Bulk House! Wohoo!

I offered to support her by giving her product pictures for free, but she exchanged that for a free coverage of the Zero Waste event she flew in Bea Johnson for. Even better!

Zero Waste seminar 2017, December 21.
At DayDayUp, a coworking space in Soho C, Sanlitun, Beijing.

 

 

 

MYSBACKEN !!

Det finns en plats på jorden, ca 3100kvm stor, som har ett berg Nordöst om sig och en mindre ödmjuk åker Sydväst. En grön mil att vandra Norrut, som leder till många olika fornlämningar. Många av dem har körsbär, krusbär, vinbär och äpplen som fortfarande växer.

Rakt Österut på andra sidan berget, ligger en konung i gyllene rustning begraven mitt i åkern. Längre Österut fanns en medeltids kyrka som revs 1723 för att den skadats rejält av åskväder. En Neoklassicistisk kyrka uppfördes 1790 till 1823 på samma plats, som inuti har en predikstol bevarad från första kyrkan. Ganska ballt.

Innan nyklassicismen/neoklassicismen var Rokoko populärt, som var ett överdrivet pampigt och detaljrikt, rent plottrigt dekoreringsalternativ som verkligen ansträngde sig för att visa upp ett liv som egentligen ingen hade. Nyklassicismen däremot, var väldigt emotionell. Man tar inte med allt plotter utan visar upp enkla balkar och pelare, som är pampiga och stolta utan all avancerad och imponerande dekor på. Neklassicismen är inte alls lika överväldigande detaljrik, utan ren, plan och luftig med eleganta detaljer som märker ut områden, tex hörn, dörrkarmar eller fönster. Som att man klev av sin höga häst, och tog ett djupt andetag istället. Insåg att man inte behöver blaffa på för att ge ett intryck av kvalitet. Det glädjer mig att vi har en Kyrka i närheten, i just nyklassicism. Känner att det talar för en attityd mot världen i allmänhet, som jag kan stå bakom.

Tomten i sig är en gammal trädgårdsmästar tomt. Önskar vi kunde få reda på mer om själva trädgårdsmästarens liv, men vi får se. Det fina boningshuset är byggt 1909 och på tomten finns ett gammalt 20 meter långt växthus med 90% trasiga glas och 100% trasig kamin. Mot skogskanten Nordöst från huset finns en mindre bod för klyven ved. Hit om den finns en gäststuga med jordkällare, som kommer fungera som en slags studio till mig.  Lite dolt i skogen, söder om huset, finns en stor lada som behöver en hel del kärlek och  omsorg. Han behöver städas ut invändigt och skogen som krypit fram upp till knuten tuktas. Ledsen kära skogen, men iom att du jobbat på helt under eget kommando senaste årtioendena, så har dina insatser blivit lite tokiga. Ja, jag menar – du verkar ju bara ha agerat som någon slags fuktleverans till ladan…  fukt som vem vet under hur lång tid bara krypit längre och längre fram, upp och in.  Jag förmodar att din plan var att leverera fukt tills plankorna ruttnat och fallit av, så att du lika sakta som säkert lyckas sluka hela skiten? Bra jobbat, men ladan skall stå kvar kära du. Så, vi behöver ta ett snack du och jag!

Så vad är grejjen med den här platsen? Jo, den är våran :)

Och det här kommer bli så jävla bra.

Vegan – But why?

To convert to vegan, is laboursome. And sometimes, I lose my shit. For a vegan lifestyle to work well for me, for it to be a blessing rather than a curse, I need to make one big change. Start planning a head.

It is hard to move away from old thought patterns, no matter it being about food, behavior and tolerance, inner monologues or arguing with parents. It all goes down the same way, roughly. New ideas needs to be manifested, just like the olds ones has been. Each time a thought is thought, the tracks for that becomes stronger in your brain. The stronger the tracks, the easier your brain will find that thought in situations. This is why they encourage you to smile at yourself in the mirror everyday and say nice things to your own face. My brain needs new tracks to think beyond Parmesan cheese to finish a pasta dish. But you know, sometimes, I too fucking hungry and too fukcing tired, in a too fucking bad mood and just wanna eat something hot, spicy, salty and filling – like a “Pastalasanna” or Lasangasanna and have a nap. No mac and cheese with no cheese will be satisfactory.

Knowledge to create the same feeling of a “Proper meal” is lacking right now, even though I am good in the kitchen. My brain just needs a wee bit of re wiring.

Todays breakfast, lunch and dinner, needs to be decided yesterday.
Or even better, the day before that. But hey, I gotta learn how to walk before I can run.

For the last month I have abandoned most animal products, but I am not a vegan. Vegetarian diet was easier in Sweden than in China. Also guilt free meat products and eggs were available. My money was not supporting any “natural slavery” when I was buying organic produce. I thought. But over the years, I have been contemplating a lot about existence itself. What is consciousness?

And after thinking about this since I was about 12 years old, I am starting to feel I am getting closer to a truth. My truth. My current view is something like this, we are all the same. More and more am I starting to feel I belong to those people saying eating carrots is to murder them.  Hah, yes and no. It is a complex equation which can not be explained so simply.

You see, the life circle of everything, conscious or not, stilleben or not, is to become and be gone. To sprout and to wither. To build strength, lost strength. Black holes, the universe, plants, animals, us. Everything that comes into existence, is supposed to leave eventually. This apply to our planet, our star the sun, all planets in this solarsystem, eveything in our galaxy and everything is this universe. Leave, as in change shape. As in, move on. Death is not hard for the one dying, but the others still here. Because we dont know where he she went. We have ideas to comfort us, like heaven, but this one is not working for me. It is not the truth, it is just a nice story to tell children. No matter where we go after Earth, we are all just lucky to be here.

Enjoy it. You won the frigging lottery and were given a body. Congratulations.

It is even human, so you have about 80 years which is a lot. Not as much as a tree, but your life gives you more than you would have been given if you were a tree. First of all, you are conscious on a whole other level than the tree is. The tree is aware of light and dark, the gravitational pull and temperature. But you, of everything – if you dare to think about them. You can also move faster than the tree. You can travel, communicate, think, learn, experience bodily sensations from emotions, touching, sex, exercise, food. It is a complex thing, because through consciousness and a body with so much nerves, sells, blood and tissue – suffering is inevitable. Longing, loving and losing. So in that sense, the tree is lucky. Just grow bigger and bigger, get most beautiful for every year, even after a 100. Most other living beings can also experience everything you can from within the body, but are limited in what they can do and create. That is the difference.  When it comes to certain sea creatures, I dont have a clear idea of how aware they are. How much are they like the tree, and how much are the like us, the animals. Where are they in terms of wanting more from life then just to be alive? Atleast you share the  joy of a cozy place to sleep, having children and giving them kisses and the joy of basking in the sun with the animals you eat. The animals treated with as much respect as the slaves got.

The wrong part with slavery was never the part that the people worked, but the conditions they were kept under. I feel the same about eating animals produce. Women had to fight for their rights to be outside the house, to vote, to work. The animals cant fight us. We have to fight for them. This is why I think, we are here. To keep harmony. We can read into right and wrong. We can empathize with hunger, stress and worry. The animals are too within themselves, to think about the others. We, the humans, can bridge that. The plants are alive and aware as long as they are connected to earth with their roots. We are alive and aware as long as our bodies as intact. They get their nutrition from earth, we too, but first it needs to put inside our bodies. The plants body is the earth. Therefor it is dead as soon as it it picked up. And it is ok, because the other carrots are not grieving the loss on any emotional level, since they don’t hold emotions. They are only aware to same point as the tree: enough to adjust to environment to keep growing.

So, when walking through a forest, one is not walking among individual bodies but one. Imagine the forest being the mane of the earth. The trees are connected through their roots, working as one entity in favor of earth to hold water so he doesn’t dehydrate and die. They are communicating to each other through those roots, and sending each other nutrition when needed. The big trees work as mothers and reach the farthest from self to others. Recently, I started greeting trees. Not formally, but internally acknowledging their presence. Incase they can feel it, hah. Aah, damnit, now again… Sometimes I hear my voice mouthing things I think or write, and Im like “Whaaat the damn hell are you fucking saying crazy lady?” and I wonder if I’ve gone mental. But nah, I aint mental! I have just, over the years, picked up on the mantra one love. Buddha wants all of us, to extend our empathy and caretaking from ourselves, and far far away from us as if we were sitting at the top of an umbrella, protecting everything under it. Plants, animals, even insects. The more I pay attention the processes within other around me, even cochroaches in house, the less alone I feel. The more beautiful this world is. The little roach looks completely different from me, but in his head he isn’t. If I was limited like him, in terms of brain and body, I would probably learn great survival skill from this roach. Even though, he fucked up a bit getting stuck at the bottom of my dog food bag. No way to get out from there, until you get a lift with the orange scoop that comes down from the big hole of light twice a day. People My point is this, I encourage you to greet the trees with a nod, don’t break their branches, but please climb and hug them, and enjoy the idea of how many stories they’d have if they could communicate with you.

Yes ofc it is silly out of a rational persons perspective. But It is insane, how comforting it is to hug a fat a tree. Truly feels like a mom, so why not just enjoy it? Just hug the fucking tree.

After getting to know Lee more, who is this very wise and kind soul from Xin Jiang, China. Noticed he was eating a bowl of veggies with rice and asked if he was vegetarian. Turned out he was in fact vegan, but didn’t hate much to say about it, just told me to watch this documentary called Beyond Carnism. People “living green” usually gives a whole lecture when asking the tiniest thing, so this was different. So ofc I watched it. And I totally understood the message. The animals are en natural slaves to us human still today, just like native Americans, blacks, and women has been. Socially accepted in society that they are suppressed and treated as if they have no valuable perception of anything. As if they simply don’t matter.

That’s the thing.. Maybe they don’t. To individuals. But where does it say that the person who doesn’t like them should be in charge of their fate? That’s fucked up. That’s a bit like putting the old lady yelling at everyone for speeding, to run the local carwash. Will she, or will she not take every opportunity she can to shame them she recognizes?! She will! And she should! But, cant someone else run it instead? Since idiot drivers has feelings too, and maybe this beautiful day isn’t the time… ? Or then the lady should be encouraged to yell at them since nobody else friggin will. Have at it lady!

I am not vegan, like I said. I put cow milk in my coffee (How else do I get the morning coffee I have been drinking for the past 10 years! Soy latte is good, but I dont want latte in the morning. Like most scandinavians, I want a full bodied strong coffee that’s hot as hell with a dash of milk to make it perfectly smooth and remove the bitterness. Milk does that for coffee, so what do I do? I also fry the occasional egg when I am starving, eat noodles here at restaurants in Beijing, the malatang for example, which has a stock most likely made with bones and or meat.  Once got a piece of chocolate cake to my soy latte thinking I was “doing right”, blissfully unaware of how the cake surly contains at least 2 eggs.

Then recently I discovered this woman called Sassy who runs VeganCoach.com. Naturally I signed up for her news letter and decided spontaneously to cook for the competition she was running over the weekend. It was due yesterday so I am too late with sending this in, but it doesn’t matter.

Quoting the email,

Some of the ways to add contrast to the meals you create include:

Color (if your main dish doesn’t have a lot of color, add some with the garnish, a sauce or a side dish);
Cooked states (playing cooked against raw);
Density (the difference here is between heavy and light);
Flavors (for example, sweet vs. bitter or spicy vs. sour);
Moistness (wet vs. dry);
Temperature (hot vs. cold);
Textures (crispy vs. soft).

My dish was great. Killed it.

Avocado Salad with tomato, onion, herb salt, pepper, lime juice and olive oil. (Cold, moist, soft, green and red) Fried veggies with pine nuts and pumpkin seeds in vegetable Ghee, salt, pepper, lemon juice (Hot, soft, a little crunchy, yellow, red) Sandwich with peanutbutter sprinkled with flax seeds (Dry, dense).

A few things to know before having your picture taken


Here is candid moment portrait of my friend Kyle, actually taken the first time we ever met. In Beijing the second hand market is basically non existing, because the Chinese in general now wants everything new. Which is completely understandable due to their history. Fashion and shopping is not a new concept to us as it for them, so ofc there is a craze now. Buying someone elses old things is simply not desirable at all, especially since new stuff is so cheap anyway. And it seems people are looking for pretty things, not high quality things. In the west we are more and more growing tired of buying things that we need to replace, but we have been doing it for so long already – here they haven’t quite reached that point yet. So foreigners are arranging SWAP MEETS, and that’s how I met this guy. Melissa of Juice by Melissa hosted one, with cocktails, and this guy was sitting outside with his best buddy Damo drinking. Of all the people there, I felt the two of them were where the party was at. And I was right. Sat down with a drink, and then the three of us left pretty soon together and hung out all day and most of the evening too.

Kyle is very photo genic, not because of how handsome he is, but because of his emotions. Kyle is not to deceive anyone, ever to pretend. It is like self consciousness does not exist within him. In all pictures I have taken of him, his open mind and open heart comes through. He never asks him self what face he should make, or how he should keep his shoulders when I am taking a picture of him, he is just engaging with me. This is what I urge people to do. Breath. Just be. Keep yourself, or make yourself comfortable – and the chill vibe you’re trying to force will come naturally. Allow it to be quite between pictures. Allow the pictures to happen and don’t get intimidated by the the big clunky piece of gear called a camera. Stay within yourself. Close your eyes for two whole minutes and just count second for every in and exhale. Do whatever you need to do, to bring yourself back in as soon as consciousness or silly worry has taken you over. In all pictures you, the successful ones, you need to feel like yourself. There are moments in life, where you are your absolute most truest self. What is that moment for you?

I like keeping my body busy with very manual labor, while focusing my head on something creative so mine is when I am singing while doing house hold chores or painting. That is the absolute best place for me to be at, which is why I enjoy having the house to myself pretty often.

Think about what is yours, and see if it is possible to recreate that for real, or as an idea, for your shoot. Atleast I am the kind of photographer who would do everything I can to recreate that environment for you. If your photographer isnt willing to work with you like that, you can do it in your own head by taking yourself there. Visualize.

Other than that, I have found some people on youtube helping prepare people more systematically for a photoshoot. So, these might help too.

To start

Nathan and I were listening and watching to the group of musicians on the stage. He spotted the bassist and just went “I want to play with her”. And then he did. For him, it is just natural to go after what he finds interest in. He just goes. Grabs it. Which is why he playing everywhere with everyone all the time. We could all use being a bit more like him.

 

This night, was amazing. The gal worrying mostly about what to wear when walking in to 4C every Thursday, wanting to just be around real musicians, my 24 year old me. Would give me a big hug and a high five. Why? Because my outfit has turned to more like a uniform, and I am last night I was art of creating the fun from nothing.

Before ever entering anything anywhere, you gotta know your room. Always nr 1, listen first. Feel the vibe. Literally, feel the vibe. All (new?) situations in life involving other people, are like sitting down at a table where people are already engaged in a conversation. Would you sit down and start telling about your day without having no idea what they are talking about? NO! Unless you’re a dick. You enter quietly. You listen. You teach yourself what is going on, before you start adding to it. Or changing it. This out of no bigger reason than decency. Simple decency.

If sitting down by the table is hella scary, remind yourself, that if you belong just like everyone else. You are not that much worse than anybody else. You might even do a good thing, if you aim at adding rather than changing.

At 4C they were all inspiring, aspiring, writers, musicians, singers. What brought them together, what made those evening possible, was the fact that they were all doers. Bringing my camera made me a doer too. It got me in. And it was well done, because it has made me some money at the end and made a me loads of friends, brought me wonderful experiences and people. However, all I actually and really wanted was to have someone, Tavey, teach me how to not be such a nervous wreck so that I could join the fun. Someone to just come and say “I know you’re hiding something amazing. Something that your shyness is’nt letting you bring out to the world. Something so new, so refreshing and just so amazing that the world needs it. You’re talents are too important to be hidden away, so Im gonna help you. By next year, you’ll be as comfortable on this very stage as you are on your on toilet at home”

Now listen up ya’ll! The world aint werkin like dat.
If you want one thing, do not get comfortable doing another.

Because as soon as you do, that place is where people around you will perceive you comfortable. All of a sudden, that is who you are. I became the photographer, not the girl trying my stuff out at the Open Mic. Then it is a big shift that needs to be made, rather then just slipping into something new while at a new place. Environmental changes are great for these shifts. When I was still new there I should have just gone and do it, but at the same time. No. I was not ready. I loved to just listen. Feel the atmosphere. The energy. I loved falling in love with the place, with everyone. Being around people singing and jamming together became like a drug. It filled my soul and it still does.

I have been singing and writing songs on my own, sometimes with my best friend Matilda, for 7 tears now. 7 years… I dare to say I have found my voice. I dare to say, my songs are good. All that is missing, is a band.

Doesn’t matter what your dream is, if you are doing something completely different because you are scared of what might happen if you give it a shot. At this point, I had basically made a decision that the dream of joining the fun does not get a chance to flourish. Basically, I had killed its pulse by getting comfortable not doing it. By bringing my camera instead of bringing my book of songs I’ve written. It was my job to keep the dream alive, not give it valium. Keep its pulse strong! My other job was to show other people where the pulse is. That there is a certain fire withing me, not in hot flames, but glowing. If people are not aware of those glowing pieces of creativity within you, who in their right mind would try to help you away from where you are already doing? Especially, if that it what you have made your identity? That would be mad. So its up to you, to inform them. Its up to you, to make it happen.

Keeping it alive at home is ofc a way to keep its pulse strong. To maintain the glow. Not even doing that, will cost you a lot. So always at least believe in yourself when you’re alone, if you cant when with others. Now I have reached a point where this glow needs to become fire. I want the flames to go high, so that I can dance naked behind them and still be invisible to people. That is how much fire I have. I cant imagine how my soul will feel when I am jamming with musicians playing to my words. Aaaah euphoria.

What if my 24 year old me would have seen the 28 year old me sitting there yesterday singing with 2 strangers and a the manager of Hot Cat, drumming with my Chinese fan on the table, the Bai Jiu bottle and my lap – not being scared. Just having fun. Just enjoying. Trusting the others to take me seriously, just like I did them. Grateful to be a part of it, not even thinking about wether I belong or not. If I am good enough or not. Realizing today, the morning after, that I didn’t even get the traditional “I have dared to sing when people can hear me stomache ache”, which usually lasts for about 40 very intense minutes. But nothing. Nope. Zero. Nada. Why?… Because I just allowed myself to enjoy. None of it was a performance where result mattered.

That turned out to be the key for the out coming, for the soft opening of sharing my voice in social situations without it being agony or something that needs “powering through”. Taking the pressure off and focusing on why I was doing it, was key. Joy! Doing it for the same reason there as I do at home. Because it makes me happy! Because it comes naturally! Because I love doing it. When I didn’t have anything to bring to our circle beyond the tapping of my fan, I meditated on how happy I was to be there. How beautiful this moment was, and I even dared to close my eyes and just listen. Tap and listen. On my gratitude that I had been invited to play. Invited to this idea “That hey, lets make some music right here, right now”. All I had done to be counted in on that, was admitted that I sing and write on my own. That joy in my heart I got from them giving me room, also made the singing come easily. It came from my heart and I was more than happy to share.

There was this lovely girl from France, Felia, who is a major Erykah Baidu fan and I could’nt believe how lucky I was that she was there. I love people who sing like that. Its so weird, and so amazing. Its so free. So not square. Such an outburst of a feeling one cant explain with words, because human has not come up ith them yet. But with this singing of sounds, you can feel it. The whole thing was magical.

Give room to those silly outbursts of joy, whatever they are.
Joy will make you bigger and bigger, while lighter and lighter. Give Joy room, not Fear.

Follow your joy goddammit.

And be nice to people.